Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
get you a girl who
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”