Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

welcome back

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”