Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
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I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning