Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.