Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

scenes of unspeakable carnage

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen