Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
