Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

My nickname in high school was “who?”

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

This forever.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

I am patiently waiting for your email

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Mornin

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin