Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
be safe out there!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.