Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”