Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Meow?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.