Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.