Festive toon…
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Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
why I oughta
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Running from your problems is cardio .
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Flowers bee like
not seeing the problem
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
i think both sides are to blame here
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.