Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Genius idea!!

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.