Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)