Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Sending in my taxes

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.