Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

☠️☠️☠️

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.