Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Day 2 of my diet

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.