Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

*puts my mental health in rice

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut