Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Here to help

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly