@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

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@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”

@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

@mostunladylike

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

@JoParkerBear

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

@mack44_d

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

@VikingJonesy

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period