Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

then why did i get this email

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find