(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy