Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

You’re never alone. Theres mold

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*