Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more