Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

“Worm Regards”

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand