*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Fries, not lies.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
What the hell happened here.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.