@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

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@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@mrjohndarby

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@neiltyson

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

@AsgardianRose

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

@LisaACOTA

Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.

@aggierican

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

@chuuew

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try