ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors