Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You Might Also Like
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
This line from Airplane.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
