Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]