Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.