#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here