#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”