Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Owl Sanctuary

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

barbara was highly relatable

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.