Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
You Might Also Like
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Wow 🤣
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
