Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[eulogy]
line?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH