Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.