Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
that de-escalated quickly
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.