Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”