FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people