Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF