Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.