Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You Might Also Like
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.