Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.