Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Sounds like a bargain
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
absolute chaos
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.