Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.