fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
the zen of frog
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
wow
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Canada has crack?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery