Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.