Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone