fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”