Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire