Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist