Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

My last name is Zilla.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.