Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend