FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly