Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?