fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
When someone says you are so lazy
