fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.