Fiction has to make sense.
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
By Kate Hatos
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know