Fiction has to make sense.
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners