Fiction has to make sense.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*