Fidel Castro was alive?
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”