Fidel Castro was alive?
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
Straight people are cancelled
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
