Fidel Castro was alive?
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
ugh not again
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife