Fidel Castro was alive?
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker