Fidel Castro was alive?

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[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*


me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives


Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.


I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.


Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.


Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.


Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.