Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.