“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
yeet
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.