Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.