Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.