[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
A little too much information.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
This is true.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.