Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing