Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.