Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?