Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?