Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.