Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
incredible book dedication
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.