Fight
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
We’re all getting idioter.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…