Fight
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™