Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
🙋♀️
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
This sounds bad:
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Google assistant rules
