Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.