Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.